Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
