i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
