He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize