the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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