I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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