My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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