I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
