does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
its not stalking. its research.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's shark week go big or go home
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
