Pappa wants mamma naked
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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