I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
