She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
