Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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