If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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