Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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