I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
