i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
