We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
