someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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