the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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