Fine. I'll sleep in my office
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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