Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
