The maid of honor just puked.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Every concussion has its silver lining
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
