I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
