just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
