I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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