You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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