Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
