i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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