How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
