May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
