I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Rumble strips road head = magical
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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