I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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