I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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