thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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