I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
