At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
