just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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