Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she told me i tasted like america
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
