Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
