Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
