I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
