I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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