Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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