I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize