I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
