Whod you bang
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
