Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
