there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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