YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
