Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
