So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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