Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
