Please don't use social media to get back at me.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
