You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
