omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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