she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
