Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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