I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
