I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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