i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
