his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize