Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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