I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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