listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I need moral support for this bender
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Also, beer. Big fan.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
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