i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize